Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My sister, “Kayla,” is getting married in July, and she recently told me something that has left me profoundly disturbed.
Kayla and I have an older sister, “Analise,” whose 7-year-old son, “Jacob,” has Tourette syndrome. Jacob will often have outbursts of profanity in stressful situations. As such, Kayla told me that she told Analise that her wedding is an adults-only affair, when in reality, other guests will be bringing their kids.
Her excuse for lying is that she’s afraid our nephew will do something to spoil the occasion. I think that, in addition to being terribly discriminatory toward a child who has a condition he can’t help, Analise and her husband are going to be incredibly hurt when they attend the wedding and see that other guests were allowed to bring their kids. When I pointed this out to Kayla, she said Analise would “just have to deal with it” at the time. Do I owe my sister a heads-up?
—No Wedding White Lies
Dear No Wedding White Lies,
My heart goes out to Analise because, as a mom of a kid with a disability, my feelings would be incredibly hurt if my son were left out of a family event and my sibling didn’t even think to talk to me about it beforehand. The complication here is that Kayla is the one who should be taking responsibility for having this discussion, not you. Normally, I would advise you to step back and let the family member who is causing the drama deal with the backlash. But in this case, it truly could be something that really blows up on the day of the wedding, upsetting everyone involved.
You should give Analise a heads-up. The problem is not that Kayla had this worry at all, but that she went about it cruelly. There are so many solutions! For one, Analise might have gotten someone to watch Jacob somewhere he would be comfortable during the formal service, and he could hang out with the family right before and after the reception starts.
Kayla and her spouse could also provide a solution. Some couples getting married have babysitting set up in a room close to where the ceremony is being held, so that any kids who might need to hang out there can. Remember: Kids with disabilities aren’t the only ones who are loud or disrupt ceremonies. So if it’s truly something Kayla is worried about, she could set this up herself. All in all, giving Analise notice can prevent some unexpected drama on the big day and allow her to make the best decision for her and her son. If Kayla doesn’t like that, then she shouldn’t have lied to begin with.
—Arionne
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