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Dear Prudence,
I’m quietly lining things up to divorce my husband, although it will likely be nearly a year before I’m able to. This fall, I found out that he had been having an affair for almost 18 months. It was with a woman I volunteered closely with for years. In addition, it seems like multiple people there knew about the affair, and some didn’t tell me, while others actively covered it up for the two of them. I feel so betrayed by him, and by people I thought were my community. I gritted my teeth until there was a natural lull after Christmas to end my volunteer commitment. I gave the excuse that I was too busy with work and my kids, but I’d been volunteering for over a decade, so people weren’t convinced.
The problem is that I was very involved, and they’re desperate to get me back. They seem to assume I’ll still do things, and kind of casually assign them to me in ways I find out about later because I’m part of the same community and have to say no every time. Multiple people, both virtually and in person, have asked me why I left and what they can do to bring me back. I keep repeating that I’m overcommitted with work and kids, but it doesn’t seem to work. I want this to be over so I can focus on preparing for the next steps in my life. How do I cut this off without airing dirty laundry or exposing my long-term plans?
—Ex-Volunteer
Dear Ex-Volunteer,
It shouldn’t be too tough to clearly state, “I’m so sorry, but I’m really not available for any tasks at all until further notice.” It could be that people aren’t understanding that your (fake) business is a (fake) permanent situation, rather than something that could change week by week.
But I suspect you know that. Maybe what you’re really struggling with is the injustice of it all, the betrayal, and how unfair it is that you feel you have to give up something you love because of your husband’s misconduct. I’m mad on your behalf just reading about it! Maybe you want to be the bigger person, maintain your dignity, and avoid making divorce proceedings unnecessarily adversarial. But you shouldn’t have to hold all this in.
I don’t know the exact reasons you don’t want to inform your husband about your plans, but wanting to get divorced without being able to take steps in that direction for an entire year sounds really tough. There are options that fall between what you’re currently doing and texting the entire volunteer group chat saying, “As a result of Kevin’s affair with that tramp Madeline and the fact that several of you two-faced jerks knew about it and didn’t tell me, I’ll be stepping down.” Identify a friend outside the group who you can open up to about everything, including any fantasies that may exist about airing out his business to the entire cohort of soup kitchen volunteers. Once a year has passed and you can proceed with the divorce, you’ll probably be so relieved that you won’t even want to talk about what happened anymore. But if you do, feel free to tell a buddy from the group what happened. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And if they spread the word, so be it.
Also, both because the world needs it and because I think it will be good for your mental health: Find somewhere else to volunteer?
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Dear Prudence,
I got out of a financial and emotionally abusive relationship last summer, after I asked the person living with me (paying no rent or expenses) to leave. He refused, and I threatened legal action. His response was to take my phone and my keys and physically assault me, keeping me hostage for over an hour while I screamed for help. Thankfully, I escaped. Someone called the police, he spent the night in jail, and he collected his stuff under police supervision. The case probably won’t go any further.
My best friend and I had had a fight, and weren’t on the best of terms. But I have supported her through an abusive relationship with her parents (including offering her a place to live) and another with a boyfriend, and spent hours on a deposition for a complaint she had made regarding a rape she experienced years before. So I expected her to answer when I called her, or at least text when she received my messages.
She ghosted me, contacted my mother (who showed up, despite us being somewhat distant), and somehow tried to create distance between us. I also believe she talked to my “ex” too, all this while never contacting me. So I wrote her off.
She just sent me a message saying that she didn’t want “reconciliation” but “to make things smoother” between us, wishing me the best for my future. She also talked about our “friendship,” which is obviously over for me. I replied that what she did was unforgivable, and that was all. I’m never going to talk to her again, and we will never be friends again (I didn’t include that in my message, which was succinct and said enough to convey the message). I still wonder what was going through her head. Does she want something from me? Is she trying to mess with my mental health? I’m obviously going to discuss this with my therapist, but I’d also like a perspective from someone not involved in this drama.
—The Unforgiven
Dear the Unforgiven,
To really make a guess about what’s going on, I’d need to know a little more about that fight you two had before she ghosted you—the one you kind of glossed over in your letter. Did she do something outrageous to you? Did she do something that suggests she’s having struggles of her own and isn’t herself? This is an important part of the story.
But I’m OK with not knowing because an assessment of her thought process is probably one of the least important things in your life right now. You endured an abusive relationship capped off by a legitimately terrifying and traumatizing experience. It’s bad that the person you thought was your best friend wasn’t there for you, but it’s also just bad that this happened to you, period.
I wonder if all the questions about her conduct are serving the purpose of distracting you from thinking about the horror you lived through and, I’m guessing, your fear about making yourself vulnerable enough to be in another relationship. You should put her clashing actions aside for now (and maybe forever, if she really did reach out to your ex) and focus on your therapy and healing. What’s going through her head matters much, much less than what’s going through yours.
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Dear Prudence,
My best friend of over 15 years, a 40-year-old woman, and I (58) usually get together several times a month when I’m in town. We usually text each other when we can get together and have a good time going to movies and restaurants, and just chatting about our lives.
Last time I texted her, she seemed a little distant. I just got a quick, “I’m too busy. Sorry.” She does have a really busy job, so I figured she might just be stressed about it. The second time it happened, I was worried. I told her I understood, but said, “I have to ask, are we OK?” I thought maybe I’d offended her somehow or done something wrong.
She contacted me a couple of weeks later, and what she said blindsided me. She said that she didn’t think some of the stories I’d told her were true, and that she valued honesty above interesting stories. Of all the things she might’ve said, this was the last thing I’d expect. We both tend to have really wild stories (from our lives and working in hospitality). I can’t think of anything that I would have lied about. She wants to get together and talk it out, but I have no idea how to approach it other than calmly hearing her out. I don’t lie or exaggerate this stuff—I don’t have to. It’s weird enough. I always assume her stories are true as well.
I can’t think of anything I said that I couldn’t back up with evidence. I’m almost afraid that if I do that, it would be worse somehow than just pretending I exaggerated something. I might come across as being too defensive. Should I make sure I have proof when we get together? I’m not sure what stories she’s even talking about. I don’t want to lose my best friend. Please help!
—No Pants on Fire Here
Dear No Pants on Fire Here,
I know this will be hard advice to take because the situation is so bizarre that it really lends itself to overthinking (seriously, what the hell?), but just go and hear her out. Stick to the truth, and absolutely don’t fess up to something that you never did. Ultimately, I suspect that there’s been some kind of huge misunderstanding that will be cleared up when the two of you are in the same place.
Classic Prudie
Six weeks ago my husband of almost three years took off. I came home from work to find him standing in the kitchen with a suitcase, saying that it was nothing personal but he needed to get away for a while, and then he left. I didn’t hear from him or see him for five weeks. I was hurt but I was also frantic with worry. I thought we were very happy, and this came completely out of the blue.