Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

Is cash-back really worth it? I have really good credit, and I keep getting credit card offers that look better than what I have. These offers include things like a higher credit limit and cash-back percentages. I currently have no cash-back and a $1,500 limit. I don’t feel like I need a higher credit limit (I have really solid savings). Plus, every time I think about looking into cash-back offers, I feel a little sick, because surely there’s a downside? Free money doesn’t exist, so what other thing is the credit card company screwing people on by offering this benefit? I’m always worried I’m leaving money on the table due to not having the instincts of a narcissistic billionaire.

—The Cash Back Is a Lie, Right?

Dear Cash Back, 

You’re right that there’s a downside to the whole cash-back thing.

When businesses agree to accept credit or debit cards for payment, they have to pay processing fees. The biggest portion of those fees are called “interchange fees,” and they help fund those fancy rewards programs.

In the United States, this fee is usually about 2 percent of the transaction. That can be a hefty cost for businesses—especially small businesses. Research from Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management found that customers end up paying for those fees, either through merchants adding a surcharge for customers paying with cards or merchants increasing product prices. The same research found that businesses that choose to absorb the fees are likely to struggle and close, which means fewer options for consumers to take their money.

Long story short, if you zoom out a bit, rewards aren’t all that rewarding. We’re all absorbing the cost of these programs, whether it’s through higher prices or fewer options of where to spend our money.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My girlfriend “Dana” and I have been dating almost two years and are ready to move in together. This would also be great for both of us financially, because we live in an expensive rental market, and neither of us makes a lot of money. As an introvert I never did well with random roommates, so I currently struggle to afford a one-bedroom apartment alone. Being able to pay half of about the same rent would be amazing, I could pay off my credit-card debt in a matter of months and actually start a savings cushion.

But it’s kind of complicated because “Dana,” who makes slightly less than I do, is struggling even harder to afford a two-bedroom, because she lives with her sister “Ellie.” One of their parents is dead and they have no relationship with the other. Ellie is incapable of getting and keeping a job that would support her, but she cannot qualify for disability. She also can’t drive or handle money; if Dana didn’t take control of her part-time, minimum-wage paycheck, she’d blow it on video games, toys, and candy. So Ellie’s earnings pretty much only cover her groceries and part of their utility bill. Ellie and Dana’s rent is over 50 percent of their income so the only way they’re able to even get a lease is that an ex of Dana’s, whom she’s still friends with, and who makes way more, cosigns. But this ex’s new spouse has complained about this, and Dana is worried it won’t last forever.

For simplicity’s sake let’s say a one-bedroom where we live is $1,600 a month. If Ellie was not in the picture, Dana and I would each pay $800, so I’d have an extra $800 a month. A two-bedroom is $2,400. So our options for handling this are: Option A, We split it 50/50, each paying $1,200. I’d still have an extra $400 a month, while Dana, who is currently paying $2,400 by herself, would have an extra $1,200, or Option B, I pay what I would pay if we were getting a one-bedroom, i.e. $800, and Dana pays the rest, i.e. $1,600, effectively paying a third each for herself and Ellie while I pay a third for myself. I’d have the same extra $800 as if it were a one-bedroom, and Dana would have an extra $800 as well.

You can probably guess which option Dana prefers, and which one I prefer. But which is actually more fair? (She read and approved this question, so please feel free to give advice to both of us.)

—Searching for a Fair Split

Dear Fair Split,

I like that you’re both trying to find the most reasonable and fair way to split this cost. But the thing is, relationships aren’t built on budgets, and what’s fair isn’t always a perfect 50/50 split.

If you’re going to share a life together, you have to take Dana’s role as caretaker into consideration, but you also have to be upfront about what you’re willing to take on.

Based solely on numbers, Option B makes sense. You’re paying what you’d pay for a one‑bedroom, and Dana covers the rest. This gives her some relief without forcing you to take on a major cost that you didn’t sign up for before the relationship.

But is there a compromise that might work? For example, you might split the cost of a one-bedroom (the $1,600) and then divide the extra $800 for the second bedroom in a way that feels good to both of you. Maybe Dana pays the majority of that “extra” portion, but not necessarily all of it. That keeps you from fully subsidizing the situation while still honoring the fact that you’re combining a household together.

Or maybe you help out in other ways, like offering rides or handling logistics—anything that makes Dana feel more supported as a caretaker, which is a lot of work.

What you two really need is a conversation about what this situation looks like long-term, not just the rent. What does it mean for Ellie to be part of your life together? How long would she live there? What happens if the relationship ends? What happens if someone loses a job? How do you keep resentment from building on either side?

The exact dollar amounts are less important than making sure everyone is on the same page and feels good about the plan. Even if you agree on something that makes sense on paper, the numbers won’t help if resentment starts to build.

Dear Pay Dirt,

Due to sad circumstances (several deaths in my family), I recently inherited a whole bunch of money. I don’t have kids or a partner, and I also don’t plan on shuffling off this mortal coil anytime soon, but I’d still like to get my beneficiaries in order, just in case. Right now I’ve listed just my siblings, but they came into the same windfall, so they need it less than other people in my life do, like a dear friend who is a single mom and works in a challenging industry.

My question is: Can I quietly add various friends to my list of beneficiaries, without telling them? And then move things around as I see fit, as time goes on, again without telling them? The “without telling them” piece is for two reasons. First, I’m so deathed-out right now that I can’t stomach more conversations about money/inheritance, and second, what if I do find a partner, have a kid, etc., down the line? It could feel hurtful to my friends to learn they’re now down to receive less, or nothing at all. I’m just not sure about the mechanics of all this. I guess the question is, does money find its ways to beneficiaries, no matter whether they know to expect it or not, and if so, how? When my relatives died, my siblings and I already knew we were listed as beneficiaries, so there was no mystery about what to do, who to contact, etc.

—Deathed Out and Debating

Dear Deathed Out,

The short answer is yes, you can absolutely add friends as beneficiaries without telling them, and you can also change your beneficiaries later without telling anyone.

Beneficiaries don’t need to know they’ve been added as such, and there’s nothing they need to do while you’re alive. If something were to happen to you, the financial institutions involved would reach out to them directly.

And yes, it’s common for beneficiaries to change over time. People get married, they have kids, they drift apart, or they just change their minds. By adding a friend as a beneficiary now, it’s not like you’re making a lifelong promise you can’t take back. You’re just making a plan according to what your life looks like right now. It’s easy enough to update than plan if and when your circumstances change down the road.

So yes, you can rest easy knowing there’s no need to have another big conversation right now.

—Kristin

More Money Advice From Slate

My parents divorced when I was 10, and my father moved overseas. My mother quickly met, moved us in with, and later married Jim. Jim and I didn’t get along while I was growing up—he was an alcoholic, and I was a smart-alecky kid, hurt he had “taken my mom away”—and I graduated school early just to get out of their house. He has since quit drinking, and we get along now. I am my mother’s only child and Jim has no children of his own. I’m in my mid-30s now and have worked hard to be successful in my career. Jim has recently retired, and there’s a problem.

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