Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My wife and I live in a rural area with a pond some ways behind our house on our acreage. This time of year the pond is frozen over. The trouble is that we have some neighbors who moved in down the road last summer, and there have been more than a few occasions where I or my wife have caught their tween boys playing on the ice. We have explained to them that it isn’t safe because the ice may break and no one would be around to help them, but they remain undeterred. Speaking to their parents has been useless–they claim they can tell their kids to stay off our property, but can’t do anything about it if they lie and go to the pond anyway. I don’t want to have to file trespassing charges against these kids the next time I catch them, but I don’t want a tragedy either. Is that the only option we have?

—Pond Peril

Dear Pond Peril,

This is genuinely scary, and you’re right to take it seriously. Children have drowned in exactly this situation, and “we told them not to” is cold comfort after a tragedy—and will not protect you legally.

Speaking of which, a legal reality you may not be aware of: In many states, property owners can be held liable if a child is injured on their land by what’s legally called an “attractive nuisance”—a feature that naturally draws children in despite being dangerous. A frozen pond absolutely qualifies, as does a swimming pool, tool shed, or access to dangerous machinery. Talk to a local attorney to understand your exposure and what steps might reduce it. This conversation alone may clarify how urgently you need to act.

On the practical side, fencing your entire acreage probably isn’t realistic—it’s likely to be prohibitively expensive and complicated on rural land. But there are other steps worth taking. Start with clear, visible signage: “No Trespassing,” “Danger,” and “Private Property” posted prominently along the path those kids are using to reach the pond. It won’t stop a determined tween, but it establishes that you warned people and took reasonable precautions—which matters legally if something ever goes wrong.

A motion-activated trail camera is worth serious consideration. These are widely used by hunters and wildlife watchers—they’re weatherproof, relatively inexpensive, and many models send an alert to your phone the moment they detect movement. Pointed toward the path to the pond, you’d know immediately when someone is out there. That gives you a chance to intervene in real time, and it gives you documentation if you ever need it.

As for the parents: Go back to them one more time, but this time mention that you’ve spoken to an attorney about attractive nuisance liability. Tell them you’re installing cameras. Ask them to control their children. You might even ask to address their children together. Sometimes the word “legal” focuses people’s attention in ways that friendly warnings simply don’t.

It’s a complicated world, but you shouldn’t have to choose between a child’s safety and your own peace of mind. Take steps that protect both.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I am in a terrible situation and need advice on how to handle it. My daughter is a senior in high school and is excitedly awaiting her admissions decisions from colleges. All of the schools she has applied to are private schools or out-of-state public schools. She did this with the understanding that my wife and I would pay for her tuition and expenses no matter where she went, because we had told her we would. We wanted her to dream big, and so we always told her that we would make her college dreams come true. We were not lying when we said this, but now that the bill is about to come due, I am realizing that it’s just not going to be possible.

I thought I’d be able to just “find the money,” somewhere, but it’s just not there. My wife and I both make six-figure incomes as business owners, but we also have high tax bills and insurance costs. We live in a very expensive city and we spend all of our money every month (part of those expenses include retirement savings, which we are both very behind on). I spent the weekend trying to figure out how we might pay for school and it just feels impossible to find $80,000 per year for tuition and expenses. There is still a small chance that she gets offered some aid from some schools, but I don’t think it will be enough to make any difference. I am thinking of telling my daughter that she should take out loans for school because she will be able to get the best rates and and we will pay them then they come due. Is there a better plan?

—Dad Made a Mistake

Dear Dad Made a Mistake,

You need to have an honest conversation with your daughter—today, before the acceptance letters start arriving. Sit down together, you and your wife, and lay it all out for her. Don’t give her a vague apology. Instead, show her the real picture: what you earn, where the money goes every month, what your tax bills look like, how far behind you are on retirement. Let her see the actual numbers and ask questions. You can provide context so that she understands how much life really costs. She’s nearly an adult, and she deserves to be treated like one.

Then tell her clearly what you can contribute to her college career—a real, sustainable number—and what you won’t do. If you have other children, be sure to pick a number that’s fair to everyone. Raiding retirement accounts or taking on loans you can’t repay doesn’t help her; it just creates a different crisis down the road that she’ll likely feel too.

Will she be disappointed? Almost certainly. She may even be angry. That’s fair—you made her a promise you couldn’t keep. But if she can see the full picture honestly presented by two parents who love her and are being straight with her, she will get through the disappointment. If she can’t, that’s a bigger issue for you to tackle because her life may be full of disappointments, and she needs to learn how to live with those.

Here’s some good news: she has options. In-state public universities may not have been part of her plan, but they can be now—many have honors programs, strong academics, and merit aid that make them genuinely excellent choices. It probably isn’t too late to apply to some of those. And wait to see what aid packages actually arrive before assuming the worst; some private schools are more generous than people expect simply because they need bodies.

I want you to be careful, though. Don’t make any new promises you can’t keep—especially not “take out loans and we’ll pay them.” You’ve already said the money isn’t there, so you don’t want your daughter being doubly disappointed.

Be honest, be specific, and then listen to what she has to say. I hope she surprises you. Then, together, help her find her best path forward.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My family has gone through some big changes this year. Our two oldest have moved out, we moved to a different state, and my wife started to go back to school to finish her degree. This should be a new and exciting chapter of our lives, but my wife is ruining it with our 5-year-old daughter. She was a late-in-life surprise. We thought we were done having kids since ours were in middle school when she arrived. I adore my daughter to pieces.

My wife has been coddling and babying our daughter excessively since our other kids moved out. She talks to her like a toddler, makes excuses to do tasks for her that she can do herself, and is letting her sleep in our bed. She claims the new changes are “too much” for our daughter.

We moved before our kids moved out, and my daughter adjusted just fine. She was sleeping by herself (and had been for years), not having meltdowns when it was time for daycare, and could go pick up and peel a banana if she wanted a snack. Now it seems like she has a meltdown at every turn. She can’t do anything and needs it done for her. She is regressing and my wife seems to relish it. Every time I try to walk our daughter through a task like putting on her own shoes or how much she likes seeing her daycare teacher and friends or going to bed, my wife just swoops in to do it for her.

It is a constant struggle and one wearing me down. I am not getting enough sleep and am tired of being at odds with my wife. Our last blow up was over my wife deciding it was a brilliant idea for her not to go back to work after finishing her education, but instead to stay at home and homeschool our daughter. She will just “miss her too much.”
I make a good living but we have a mortgage, two car loans, and two college educations to fund. We aren’t saving for our daughter, let alone what we need for retirement. And we chose this location because of how excellent the schools were!

My wife denies any sort of empty nest blues and claims I am being mean and expecting too much out of our daughter. The change in behavior is so obvious that when our son visited, he asked what the hell was up with his mom treating his sister like an infant.

What do I do about this?

—Disappointed Dad

Dear Disappointed Dad,

This isn’t really a question about your daughter. Your daughter is fine, or she will be. Your wife is struggling—but not in the way she’d probably admit.

This isn’t empty nest syndrome. Your nest isn’t empty. What’s happening is that your wife is facing a new phase of motherhood—one where her youngest doesn’t need her the same way anymore—and she simply can’t accept it. So she’s manufacturing the mommy-need: talking to a 5-year-old like a toddler, swooping in to put on her shoes, inviting her back into the bed. It feels like love, but it’s actually about control—holding onto a version of motherhood that has already naturally run its course.

And her behavior is crossing into entitlement. Announcing she won’t go back to work and will homeschool your daughter instead isn’t a conversation—it’s a decree. You have a mortgage, car loans, two college tuitions, no college savings for your youngest, and a retirement gap. Those are shared problems that require shared decisions. Her desire to freeze time doesn’t override the financial reality you’re both responsible for.

Here’s what’s also true: what she’s doing isn’t good for your daughter. A 5-year-old who gets catered to endlessly, whose every task is done for her, whose every meltdown is rewarded with more coddling, is being set up to struggle in life. The sweet little girl you adore deserves better than that. Your marriage is or should be your primary relationship, and right now it’s absorbing all the damage. Stop arguing about shoes and bedtime and have the real conversation about the adult issues you’re facing: that her unilateral decision-making isn’t partnership, that the expenses require two incomes, and that you’re worried about her, your daughter, and your marriage.

If she won’t engage honestly, and work to include you in her decision-making, the next step is couples counseling.

—Ilyce

Classic Prudie

This August, I left my husband for my next-door neighbor. My husband was upset, but we are now on good terms. My problem is with our other neighbors, the Barclays. My 8-year-old son is best friends with their 9-year-old daughter and she usually lives at our house after school. Since my affair, they have refused to speak to me and have forbidden their daughter from being at our house when I am there (we are alternating days). They have also blocked and deleted my number. Their reasoning is that I betrayed their friendship.

Never miss new Slate Advice columns

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.

Email address:

Send me updates about Slate special offers.

By signing up, you agree to our Privacy Policy and Terms.

Sign Up