How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am a 46-year-old bi-curious female who has happily and enthusiastically been exclusively dating my current partner (46-year-old male) for almost five years now. Recently, we talked about our mutual desire to engage with others in the bedroom. We are open to various experiences; a FFM, a MFM, or a FMFM. The one thing we agree on is that we want to share the physical experiences together, not separately. This was an easy point to come to agreement on.
What’s not as easy is, well, all of the other “stuff.” For example, our texting with the opposite gender of the other couple. Personally, I don’t feel much of a desire to “flirty text” with the other male. I’d rather do that in our group chat. It turns me on more … probably because I get maximal attention that way. I’m fine with the thought of my boyfriend being sexy or flirty in his private texts with the other female. I do not find it unreasonable to ask him to share the super flirty or sexy texts with me from time to time, because frankly, I know I’d be turned on by seeing it, and I think it’s a simple and normal request. This is where the nice conversation turned a little, um, angsty.
My boyfriend suggested that if I want him to do that for me, I do not trust him and we shouldn’t do this. After I asked for some sort of compromise on this issue, he doubled down. He insisted that he shouldn’t have to, doesn’t want to, and that this comes down to a lack of trust in him on my part. I’m frustrated because we are so close to making this happen, but am sensing a stubbornness on his part that he simply has no desire to compromise on. I do completely trust him!
Consistent with all of this, he has stated he has no problem with pretty much anything I text, say, or do with the other male, because he loves me and trusts me fully. I’m looking for advice on how to move forward, or not, with what could be a very fun and enjoyable time for all of us when we can get together in the same bed. We all agree that the main emphasis is on the four-person dynamic. Plus, we all basically agree it would be nice to get to know each other and be “friends” so as not to feel like we are just using each other. (For the record, I’m totally fine with being used and using. My boyfriend also leaned toward having this attitude going into this. The other couple told us from the beginning that getting to know us and becoming friends was a hard line for them. They are very friendly. So, I decided to compromise my original desire to keep things more transactional, and am willing to cultivate a friendship.)
If I’m willing to compromise on this, but my boyfriend isn’t with the private flirty texting piece, where do we go from here? Is my request that my boyfriend try his best to share the sexy texts between him and the other female with me most of the time, reasonable?
—Hot Bothered and Too Nosy Girlfriend?
Dear Hot Bothered and Too Nosy Girlfriend?,
Yes, your request is reasonable. I don’t want to be an absolutist here, but I think most requests of this nature are. Journeying out into the world of non-monogamy can be scary, and with good reason: You don’t know how it will affect your relationship until you are in the thick of it and by then it may be too late to turn back. Making requests like yours is a way of maintaining a sense of control. Even if that is ultimately an illusion, that security can make the uncertainty of opening up your relationship tolerable. In that sense, it benefits everyone and behooves your boyfriend to be on board with your request. It is disconcerting that you have a good reason for it—it’ll turn you on, and maybe even bring you closer—and yet he’s choosing to interpret your request as a sign of mistrust. I don’t like that he’s explaining your motivation to you. That’s too adjacent to gaslighting. Also, if your request came from … let’s not say mistrust but uncertainties in that department, who could blame you? You have never been in this situation before with him, you don’t know how he’s going to act or react, and a sign this early on that you’re both on the same page, or failing that, that you will both make an effort to be on the same page is important. I think it’s fair to interpret your request as asking for help feeling safe and he’s denying it. That’s a red flag.
You well understand the importance of compromise—it is what is allowing this budding situationship you have with the other couple to move forward. Your boyfriend should be on board with you if he expects this to progress. It is important to cater to the most overt sensitivities here. If that’s a drag to the less sensitive party, too bad. He needs to think about you two as a unit and not just himself.
The way I see it is you have stated a boundary. It’s not a huge deal, you aren’t being dramatic about it, and in fact, you seem more comfortable downplaying it than perhaps fully revealing how much it means to you. Nonetheless, he is rejecting that boundary, and he’s doing that in accordance with a false narrative and some principled notion of how trust should function. He’s not being practical.
If I were you, I’d dig my heels in: This is important to you, so it should be important to him, and it’s enough to make you rethink whether you actually want to get into this configuration involving people outside your relationship. Assuming all this is true, you could go so far as to state an ultimatum: If he can’t abide by your very easy terms (which, to restate, involve you enjoying his flirty interactions with another woman), a foursome simply will not be possible. You’re asking for so little that it’s selfish of him not to provide.
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