Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Good Job,

Earlier this year, after working for the same employer for almost 26 years, I quit. Not for one specific major reason but a bunch of small ones. We underwent a merger and were taken over by another company, and had to follow their best practices and policies.

I was less than one year away from getting an extra week of vacation, but the new policy maxed out vacation time at 20 years, so I didn’t get grandfathered in for the extra week. You could no longer take a break or lunch by your machine (manufacturing facility) and had to go to the loud and crowded breakroom. I clashed with my new supervisor on how he thinks things “should” work, but in reality they don’t work, causing downtime for which I got blamed for, etc… The latest policy was that you could not take the same week of vacation two years in a row to make it “fair” to other employees. Well, for the last 60 or so years, my family has rented cabins at a lake resort for the first full week after the 4th of July. You need to reserve the week a year in advance, so my already scheduled vacation was canceled. When I explained this scenario to my supervisor, then to human resources, and why I have taken this same week off (and need to) every year, the response I got was, “Well, maybe somebody else wants this week off also, so it’s not fair if you get it every year.” Other than the Christmas holiday and spring break season, I haven’t heard people say they can’t take a vacation when they want to. My wife said that was BS and said I should just quit because of these policy changes (and my supervisor), and this was the final straw. I am 58 and planned on retiring in a few years anyway, and we are (thankfully) in a financial position to do so.

Last week, I got a letter from a higher-up in corporate HR. The gist of the letter was that they are concerned when a long-term employee quits for something other than retirement. Basically, they asked what led to my decision and several other questions. It looks like a real hand-written signature, and the person is listed as the vice president of employee relations. A form with questions and a return envelope addressed to this person was included. Do you think I should fill it out? Is it worth explaining the multiple minor issues behind why I quit? Do you think they really care? Being an ex-employee, should I really care?

—HR VP Wants to Know Why I Quit

Dear HR VP Wants to Know Why I Quit,

Your story should be a required-reading case study for every manager involved in a merger. Taking employee benefits away, imposing new rules without understanding the workplace culture, and refusing to make reasonable exceptions are terrible for morale and staff retention. I’m sorry you got stuck with lousy new ownership, but I’m happy that you escaped and can go on vacation any time you want now.

The company, or at least this VP, must realize they’ve botched the takeover as far as their employees are concerned. You don’t owe them anything, but it could be satisfying to put in writing all the reasons you left this job years ahead of your anticipated retirement date. Assuming this VP is genuinely interested in improving employee experience, your answers may help them push back on some of the more annoying new rules. Sending in the form might (just might) help your former co-workers.

Weigh these considerations against the reasons to ignore the letter, including that your responses won’t be confidential in any meaningful way. This is the case for any correspondence with human resources: Whatever you say is likely to be shared with other people in leadership. If you decide to go back to work in this company or another one, anybody you irritate with your answers might retaliate. It’s fine to ignore this letter, decompress from the stresses of your former job (after 25 decent years and one bad one, that might take a while), and enjoy retirement.

Dear Good Job,  

I asked for my current position so that I could develop and progress in my career. I had taken on many of the responsibilities already, so it was a natural transition, and my boss agreed. This transition meant I moved to a new supervisor (I was an assistant to my first boss, so I didn’t change offices, just supervisors). In the year since, my current supervisor has done little to train me or provide me with the tools to succeed.

This makes me feel worthless and not valued because I am not being invested in. I’ve mentioned to my supervisor that I need to be given work and opportunities to grow and learn to feel valued in the workplace. I have lost confidence as a result. To offset my hurt, I make self-deprecating remarks. I realize I shouldn’t do this, but it is like a relief valve. In turn, my boss has started a “[name’s] worst nightmares jar,” and any time I make a remark, I have to take a “platitude” from the jar and read it in front of everyone in the office. One “platitude” was: “You believed in Santa Claus, you can believe in yourself.” I find these humiliating, as I am the only person in the office who has to do this, and the overall boss will ask for a report of whether I need to reach into the jar. This does little for my confidence and absolves my supervisor from actually training and developing me. Am I overreacting? Do I address this and just play cool and laugh it off? It is really wearing me down and has become a subject of multiple sessions in therapy.

—Needs to Toughen Up

Dear Needs to Toughen Up,

You are not overreacting. Your boss is humiliating you, in front of your colleagues, for a laugh. It’s not unusual for people to make a joke out of something that makes them uncomfortable, in this case, a direct report who is seeking guidance that the boss doesn’t know (or care to learn) how to give. But it’s terrible management. Laughing at yourself is a valuable workplace skill. Requiring someone to laugh at themselves, especially someone with less power, and especially when they’ve expressed weakness, is cruel and bullying.

You have two overlapping problems: a lack of guidance from your supervisor, and your supervisor making fun of your concerns. Let’s start with the first one. If you don’t already have a standing meeting with your supervisor, ask to put one on their calendar. When you meet one-on-one, review the work you’re doing and ask for specific next assignments. If your boss is vague or doesn’t know what you should do next, ask to establish a joint timeline for ramping up to new responsibilities. Suggest specific trainings or workshops you’d like to attend, with your supervisor’s support. (Human resources might be able to suggest some.) Try to keep the discussion focused on work assignments and productivity, without mentioning your feelings of worthlessness that their management style has amplified. It’s possible your supervisor is satisfied with your current work and has no other work for you. If so, look around for other ways you could improve your team’s performance and suggest them in a future meeting. You may need to apply for other positions in this or another organization if you want more challenges.

As for the mockery you’re enduring, do you know your supervisor’s motivations? If they’re ham-handedly but genuinely trying to reduce your insecurities, a discussion should help. Tell your supervisor that you are trying to limit your self-deprecating remarks. Tell them you appreciate that they’re trying to help, but the “platitude jar” is awkward and disruptive, and you’d like to end it. When you start to make a self-deprecating remark in front of your boss or co-workers, try to stop yourself, or follow it up with, “and I’m working on that.” If your colleagues are worried about you, this will reassure them and help change the subject.

If your boss revels in other people’s weaknesses, you’ve got a much harder problem. We don’t have enough information to know if your supervisor is a psychopath, sadist, or some sort of dark-triad boss from hell. In any case, don’t trust them. Try not to take their mockery personally, because they’re always looking for victims and you’re simply a convenient one. Fake self-confidence, act like their digs don’t bother you, and avoid contact as much as possible. Talk to other co-workers who report to the same supervisor or have in the past. You’re probably not the only victim. Document all the inappropriate behavior you and others have witnessed, in preparation for possibly bringing it to human resources or your supervisor’s supervisor. Also, ask your former boss for advice. Assuming they’re not aware of the platitudes jar, they should be horrified to hear about it. (If they did know about it and thought it must all be in good fun, let your former boss know that it’s not, in fact, good fun.) They may be able to guide you through a complaint process or raise alarms themselves about your current boss.

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Dear Good Job,

I would like advice on how to navigate applying for two jobs within my company at approximately the same time. I’ve already applied for one, which would be a promotion within my current department. The screening process has just started, and I’ll likely get at least a first interview. I recently learned about another interesting position opening up in a different department. It would be a lateral transfer.

My dream situation would be interviewing for both jobs so I can get a better sense of their requirements and growth potential. But the second job won’t be posted for a few weeks, so I might not get the chance.

I could ask the second job’s department head for more information before the description is posted to see whether I should even apply. We have a little rapport, and he might understand if I ask him to keep my interest in the job quiet for now. However, I expect my current boss, who is managing hiring for the first position, would be alerted as soon as I fill out the second application. We get along well, but I’m not yet close enough to her to predict what she’d think.

I’d appreciate some advice on how to talk about this with her, and when would be the right time to do that. Also, if I do get interviews for both jobs, how should I navigate the two timelines without making it seem like I’m not interested in the promotion? I am, but this other job could be a great opportunity, too!

—Trying Not to Burn Bridges

Dear Trying Not to Burn Bridges,

You’re thinking about these job openings in the right way: You are ready to move to a new position, you want to maintain good relationships with people in both departments, and you’re aware of complications of timing and loyalties. You say you don’t know your current boss well enough to predict how she’d respond. This is a good time to find out.

Before you do, though, let’s talk about the lateral move to another division. Why does it appeal to you? I assume you want to learn about a different part of the company and develop new skills. The risk of making a horizontal move is that it might slow your rise to a higher position, because companies typically wait a few years between promotions or transfers. If you think this position would advance your career anyway, talk to the hiring manager. Find out more about the position, and tell them that you’re currently applying for a promotion in your own department. If they already have a candidate in mind for the job or think you wouldn’t be competitive, this gives them an opportunity to gently discourage you from applying. And the conversation will help you understand whether you really want to apply for this job.

If you’re still interested in the lateral move after learning more, ask your current boss for a meeting to talk about your future at the organization. Tell her (if she doesn’t know) that you’re applying for the first position and are excited about contributing even more to your department. Then tell her that you’ve heard about another opening in the other department and would like her advice about whether to apply. Say explicitly that you want to be transparent about your interest in the other division, and you’re not trying to rush her decision about the job within her department. You’re showing that you’re honest, open, and trustworthy, and your boss should be pleased about that. Given her career stage, she has probably had to choose among jobs herself and shouldn’t be shocked at your dilemma. Plus, good managers know that their best direct reports will eventually leave them for bigger jobs, either internally or externally. This conversation gives her a chance to share her knowledge about the company, and it should strengthen your relationship. If she is threatened by your interest in another department, on the other hand, that’s a sign you should apply for the lateral move (or a job outside the company) to work with a better manager.

Dear Good Job,

Is there a polite way to get out of handshakes? I have a very severe food allergy. If I touch my allergen, I am likely to go to the emergency room. This has led to a weird situation where whenever I shake someone’s hand, I go through the motion, while obviously trying to touch as little of their hand as possible, because I just can’t stop thinking, “What if they ate something 5 minutes ago and now I’m going to have to go to the ER?”

I know full well logically that it wouldn’t matter how much of their hand I touch—if my allergen is on it, I’m screwed, so I might as well give a proper hearty handshake (which I do know how to do!), but I can’t get over that anxiety. Is there a polite way to decline? I don’t want to divulge my immune condition and make people uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to seem standoffish by not explaining.

—No Handshakes of Death Please

Dear No Handshakes of Death Please,

You absolutely do not have to shake hands. There are plenty of reasons why people don’t—immune conditions, a sprained wrist, carpal tunnel, concerns about infectious diseases, and more. Most people of good intentions will realize this and not be offended if you resist an outstretched hand. You can greet them in other ways instead: Clasp your hands together and give a slight head bow. Hold one or both hands by your shoulders and wave. If you’re in a group that’s exchanging handshakes, linger toward the back, and make eye contact with each person in turn while you bob your head or wave. Practice your greeting in the mirror until it feels natural so you won’t have to think about it in the moment. No matter what hand or head gestures you choose, accompany them with eye contact and a biiiiig smile, and say you’re so happy to see the person.

You don’t have to explain your severe allergy, but if someone is sticking a hand out and the nod or wave isn’t working, you could say regretfully that you can’t shake hands. Maybe offer an elbow bump instead, which can be fun, informal, and hygienic. If you’re at a high-stakes work event and you can’t get out of shaking hands, wear gloves that you remove safely after all the germ- and allergen-exchanges are over. (A former leader at the National Institutes of Health used to do this when she had to shake a lot of hands.) If someone makes a snide comment or scowls at you and you’re feeling devious, tell them you may have been exposed to norovirus, and watch them lurch away in terror.

—Laura

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