This is part of Help! Wanted, a special series from Slate advice. In the advising biz, there are certain eternal dilemmas that bedevil letter writers and columnists alike. This week, we’re taking them head-on.

In this edition, Prudie will be taking a look at some questions that might feel familiar: a Velcro strip husband, a pregnancy scare, and visiting parents. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

My bestie and her husband retired from Jersey to the Boston area about four years ago. Since retiring, her husband has become a “Velcro strip” (my term) and does not ever leave her side. She never has any time alone or to herself as he involves himself in every aspect of her life now. In the past, he was a successful businessperson who ran his own hedge fund and certainly spent time without her. She and I always spent time alone together and in fact, I can’t ever remember a time when we included him! I barely knew the guy! The problem is that now when I go to visit her we can’t have a minute alone without him being literally attached at the hip to her. The first couple of visits I didn’t say anything but then I realized that besides the inserting of himself between us, he was also very verbally abusive to her. I believe he may have always been like this and I never realized it because when she lived here I rarely saw him.

Anyway, to make a long story short this last visit was more than I could take. I finally opened my mouth and let him have it! My friend wasn’t standing up to him but I wasn’t going to take his BS. He basically ignored me and she never even mentioned the incident. How should I proceed? I have decided that I will not go up there to visit any longer because it’s so uncomfortable to always have to be with him when I would just like some time alone with her. I am not sure if I should tell her how I feel because I know how hurt she will be. I guess I will just make excuses for why I can not come to visit. Please help!

—On the Verge of Losing My BFF

Dear Losing My BFF,

Just a warning: This is a bad situation and there aren’t any really great solutions here, so what I’m suggesting is going to involve you sacrificing by having a bad time, in the interest of keeping your friend from being isolated by an abusive husband. I think you should apologize to him for your outburst. I know, I know! You aren’t sorry! And you weren’t wrong! But this is not a sincere apology. You are lying to make peace with this mean-spirited man to make sure there aren’t any barriers to getting back into your friend’s life. Then ask to come back and visit. Again, I know! You don’t want to because he’s a Velcro strip and a horrible person to be around. I get it. But this is your best friend. She is obviously not in a good place. And she needs you. I’m sure there have been times over the years when one of you was sick, just had a baby, got laid off, or was depressed, when the other stepped up to be there and offer support. Well, it’s your turn again. It’s more complicated because the difficult situation is an actual living, breathing, deeply unpleasant human, not a stroke of misfortune. And you’re going to have to deal with him when you go up there. But it’s what you need to do.

Think of it like this: By refusing to let his abuse isolate her, you’re refusing to let him win. Even if you don’t get a moment alone with your friend, your presence is going to be meaningful. If you two can get away at all, tell her you hate to see her treated the way he’s treating her and say, “How are you, really?” And then be quiet for at least a full minute, even if she just says, “I’m OK.” Create some space for her to open up to you. And if she doesn’t, just remind her that she can, anytime. And that you’re going to keep showing up for her regardless.

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Dear Prudence,

I own a one-bedroom condo in one of those most expensive cities around. I lucked out getting it when the housing market crashed over a decade ago. “Gia” moved in with me during the pandemic. We were seriously dating and she was not getting along with her family at the time. Gia doesn’t pay rent but is steadily paying back her student loans. I love Gia. I don’t know if it is always and forever love but we flirted with the idea of marriage. We recently had a false pregnancy scare. Only Gia is still freaking out. She talks about how the place is too small to raise a baby. And that we “need” to look for a bigger place now.

I think Gia needs to calm down and maybe see someone professionally. We both were on the fence about kids. I still am. And any time I try to have a rational conversation with Gia about life goals or finances, she freezes up and gets defensive. “Well, what if I was really pregnant?” I remind her she isn’t and that doesn’t change the fact that getting rid of my paid-off condo in this market is crazy. A baby needs a crib. And we should double up on birth control. When I said that, Gia got furious at me and accused me of thinking she was trying to baby trap me. I told her to stop putting words in my mouth. We ended up fighting and fighting and I ended up on the sofa. When Gia and I are good, we are great. I don’t see that anymore. Am I being short-sighted here? And what needs to be done?

—Good Times

Dear Good Times,

You’re not being short-sighted in the least. In fact, you seem very responsibly long-sighted, if that’s a thing. I don’t know exactly how long you and Gia have been together but you’re not married or engaged so you’re still dating. And dating is for 1) enjoying yourself and 2) getting to know someone to see if they might be a good long-term match with you. It doesn’t seem like #1 is happening as much anymore and the results of #2 aren’t looking too great: You two don’t want the same things right now (at least when it comes to some major issues like children and housing), you aren’t communicating well, and neither of you trusts that the other person understands and wants the best for you. Plus, holding out hope that therapy might transform a person into the partner you want is never a great idea. It’s worth a shot if you’re already married but you two aren’t. You say, “When Gia and I are good, we are great. I don’t see that anymore.” Listen to yourself! It’s too early for the great part to be over. Move on.

Dear Prudence,

What would you say is the appropriate reciprocation rate for visiting your adult child who lives overseas, assuming all are in good health, have adequate paid leave, and can equally afford plane tickets? I’ve lived abroad for 22 years and my parents have visited me three times, and not at all for the past 12 years. At the same time, they expect my husband and I to visit them every year for at least two weeks, which is half our vacation time. I went to them as usual in July and for the second year in a row, I was told that they have no further interest in visiting, they hate airports, and they “just aren’t up for it anymore.” This really irked me, and I retorted that they shouldn’t expect me to visit every year if they can’t tolerate the same things every traveler has to put up with. My father said that’s fine but I also know that the second I inform him that I’m “not up for it this year,” I’ll get months of whining and complaining about how much they miss us and how sad they’ll be to not see us that year, and my mother will cry every time I call her after that. Would it be reasonable to cut my visits short and skip some years?

—Abandoned Overseas,

Dear Abandoned Overseas,

“What would you say is the appropriate reciprocation rate for visiting your adult child who lives overseas, assuming all are in good health, have adequate paid leave, and can equally afford plane tickets?” is not the question you’re dealing with here. “Appropriate reciprocation rate?” Come on. These are loving family relationships you’re talking about, not business transactions. And you have to know there’s no universal answer. Culture, personalities, family traditions, and how close you are and how close you want to be all play a role. What you need to be asking yourself is, “How often do I want to see my parents?” Really sit with that for a minute. Assuming they won’t come to you, how much do you want to see them? That’s an answer that’s going to be informed by how much you actually enjoy the visits (maybe a little bit), how much you know you will want to have visited at the end of their lives—given that they obviously won’t be here forever (maybe a little bit more)—and how much you want to do the things you have to give up to make the trips. If the answer involves shorter visits and skipped years, great! Just go as much as you can go happily and without resentment. Any more than that and you’ll be wasting everyone’s time.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been in recovery from my eating disorder for about 11 months. Recently I was in a car accident, and since my insurance and sick leave are both bad, I had to stop going kind of abruptly so I could instead spend money on care for my injuries. I’m now getting physical therapy for my foot, and my physical therapist makes constant comments to/with other workers in the office about weight, food, and dieting. She often comments that she “wishes she had my body,” when my body has permanent damage from my illness, and I’m constantly fighting the urge to restrict myself more. I can’t afford to switch practices, but I don’t know how to talk to her about it. My medical notes are shared as part of this big hospital system, but maybe she hasn’t read them? What should I do?

—Just the Exercise Bands Please

Dear Exercise Bands,

At the end of your next session say, “Thanks for the handout with the exercises. Oh, can I quickly talk to you about something? I’m actually early in my recovery from an eating disorder, and it’s hard for me to hear about weight and diet, even when you’re complimenting me. Do you think you could avoid mentioning those things when I’m here? I would really appreciate it.”

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